50 Shades of Disappointment

Let’s talk about sex.  Valentine’s Day is today, and as everyone knows by now, Valentine’s Day is not really about romance.  Romance is spontaneous, intimate, and utterly devoid of heart shaped boxes full of chocolates.  No, Valentine’s Day isn't about romance, it's about being with someone you care about and making other people jealous.  It’s also about sex. 

If you would argue that Valentine’s Day is more “wholesome” than that, and it's about true love rather than sex, I would like to draw your attention to the massive amount of hype over the upcoming movie, “50 Shades of Buscemi Grey”.  No matter how much some people may think, 50 Shades is not about romance, it's purely about (poorly written) sex. 

Unsurprisingly, the books (and I'm sure the movie will follow suit) were massively popular, primarily among women.  If any of you guys reading this are scoffing and thinking it's silly that the books are so popular, I have news for you: You're likely part of the reason why. 

After a quick online search, you can find hundreds if not thousands of studies done in recent years showing that heterosexual women are, at an alarming rate, unsatisfied in the bedroom. 
Guys, most of the blame for this goes directly on your shoulders (ladies, part of the blame lies with you too, but more on that in a bit).  Due to this disappointment, women have resorted to relying on poor substitutes, such as 50 Shades.

Boys, sex isn't difficult; it really isn't.  And by “sex” I don’t mean the two step process of you, starting and then finishing… I mean both participants are out of breath and have big, dumb grins plastered on their faces.  You don’t have to get super fancy, and please don’t think that you need to use books like 50 Shades as a training manual, because you don't (please don't).  Start with the basics and build up from there as you gain confidence. 

So what is it?  What’s the secret to being worthwhile in the boudoir?  Well, I’m far from an expert, but I do feel like I’m at least qualified to give some basic tips; and in my experience it can be broken down to a few seemingly easy steps…  Also, keep in mind that just because I’m directing this primarily toward men, doesn't mean that you ladies shouldn't take heed as well; sometimes everyone needs to improve!

Step 1: Put in some effort! 

This is the basis for it all.  Don’t mail in your performance.  If all you do is lay there and expect your partner to do all the work for you, then where’s the excitement for them?  Where’s the motivation for them to do even better?  If you’re not going to put in any effort, why should they? 

Sex is just like anything else, you will not magically be good at it, and it isn't an effortless skill.  There will be days that you are at your best, and there will be other days that you just can't seem to do anything right.  But if you just lay there and expect to be good without really trying, then chances are you're awful in bed. 

Honestly though, if you are one of those people that believes you are inherently good in bed, and you don't need to give much effort, then I implore you to try changing that.  Try mixing it up and putting in some work the next few times.  I'd be willing to bet that your sex-life will improve when you do, because giving some effort makes it better for everyone involved, including yourself.

Step 2: Pay Attention…

While Step 1 may be the most important part of this lesson, don’t you dare ignore Step 2.  Paying attention during sex is a simple thing that is tragically overlooked.  Pay attention to what your partner enjoys and what they don't.  It sounds like a simple thing to do, but so many people don't.

There's a couple ways to go about this, the first being simple communication.  If you're not sure what your partner likes or what they don't, try asking them.  Sure, it may be awkward, but sex has so many potentially awkward moments in it anyway, that one more isn't going to hurt, it may even help matters.  A short, awkward conversation is certainly worth it if it improves your sex-life.

The second way to learn what your partner’s likes and dislikes are is to pay attention and notice their involuntary actions.  When you kiss her collarbone does her breath get faster and do her hands clench in to fists?  If so, do it some more.  If she pulls away, or simply doesn't react, then don’t do whatever you just did…  We're complicated beings, no one is ever 100% in control of their bodies, and we each have involuntary reactions and reflexes to the things happening to us or around us.  Pay attention to those reflexes!  They’re the best way to learn what to do and what not to do.

 Step 3: Expand your horizons.

For this step, I'll reference 50 Shades again; as you should know by now, it gets pretty heavy in to BDSM (not always in a responsible manner, but that's another story).  Now, I'm not saying that good sex has to involve whips and chains, not at all.  Everyone does have certain things that work for them though, certain kinks or curiosities.  Some are extreme, others are fairly tame. 

Don't be afraid to explore those things, if you find something that intrigues you, test it out (responsibly!), see if it's for you or not.  The worst that will typically happen is you'll find out that it's not something you're in to after all.  The best that can happen, well I guess that's up to you.

These steps are good advice for anyone, not only the underachievers out there.  If you have room to improve (hint: there's ALWAYS room to improve), then hopefully this will help you out a bit with that.  If you're having sex, then there’s no excuse for it to not, usually, be good.

That brings me to another point, not all sex you have is going to be great.  Sex is a learned skill.  No one is innately good at it, no matter what they think of themselves.  Likewise, sex between two particular people is an acquired skill.  Life isn't a movie, don’t expect magical fireworks to shoot off the very first time.  It will take a few times for you to learn each other's triggers and preferences. 

That's the exact reason that one night stands are usually so worthless.  That of course doesn't stop us from chasing that mythical one nighter that will rock our world.  Still, overwhelmingly, one night hookups are exceedingly mediocre.  However, everything has to start somewhere.

And since everything has to start somewhere, if a one night stand that you have seems to have potential for something better, give it a shot, see where it goes.  Which reminds me, ladies, you're not entirely blameless in this epidemic of female sexual frustration… It may not be your fault that the guy you're in bed with can’t finish the job, but don't encourage it.  

When I go to a restaurant and the food is terrible, I don't keep going to that restaurant.  It seems to be common sense, but if the sex is consistently bad, don't expect it to magically get better!  Either talk with your guy and try to encourage him to improve his game, or move on and find a guy that can please you.  At some point you are responsible for your own pleasure, so stop encouraging bad sex.  Think of it along the lines of natural selection, if everyone stops accepting bad sex, then in a few generations, there won't be such a thing, and we will have done the world a favor.

Bonus Tip: Passion!

Guys and gals, this goes for everyone (and for everything in life, not just sex), passion is never going to make something worse.  Passion doesn't need to be rough or soft, slow or fast, it just needs to be intense.  It should take the breath from your lungs and burn through your thoughts.  You can't really go wrong with passion, express it in the bedroom as well as in the rest of your life.

One last suggestion: Play safe.  Be responsible, don’t do something stupid that can’t be undone.  Life isn't a game and there are no do-overs, so be careful out there!  This goes not only for your physical well-being, but for your emotional state as well.  Sex complicates things, so use your head and try to avoid dumb decisions… 

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