Today I’d like to use my blog to warn people of an epidemic that is sweeping across our nation. I call it, E.O.G. it stands for Early Onset Grandma-itis. It’s a condition that has been showing itself in our younger generations, primarily geared toward those people in their twenties. Now, while the condition primarily affects women, it has been known to affect men as well.
Symptoms include: An unnatural love of knitting circles, a propensity to wear shawls or scarves, a craving for tea and biscuits, a growing excitement over “early bird specials” at restaurants such as Carrows or Black Bear Diner coupled with a tendency to be in bed before 8:30pm, and an aversion to all loud noises. More advanced cases will begin to leave saucers of milk or open cans of tuna outside their front doors in order to lure unsuspecting neighborhood cats into their homes.
It’s a condition that is having a severely negative effect on the social lives and the dating lives of those in the twenty-something age bracket that are not battling this particular affliction. Not to mention the potential it has to change the landscape of our social networking sites; with E.O.G. sufferers flocking to sites like Pinterest, the primary function of our beloved social networking sites (to sell stuff and find ways to get laid) is being replaced by the needs of the afflicted (to create and organize knitting circles and book clubs).
Warning signs of E.O.G. include but are not limited to: having a room in their living quarters set aside entirely for crafts, choices for movie nights are limited to “The Little Mermaid”, “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, and “Finding Nemo”. They own more than two bedazzled garments. They like to keep a bowl of generic hard candies available for guests. They refer to cold weather as “snuggle weather”.
If you or someone you know is beginning to show symptoms or is already suffering from E.O.G. please consult with your local bartender for a prescription or the leader of the nearest Church of Scientology for thetan testing. If we work together, we can stop E.O.G., before it stops us.
Good Night, and Good Luck.