The Stresses of Complacency

Lately, my head hurts.  I've been so stressed out the past year or so, it’s been wearing on me.  Yet I don’t do anything about it.  I've become complacent with my annoyances, just floating from day to day, “dealing with it”.  But through every bit of dealing with it, I’m not actually solving any of the problems that are slowly driving me insane. 

It ultimately doesn't matter which of my annoyances I’m talking about:  I’m unhappy at work; I have a non-existent love life; I can’t seem to lose more than five pounds without immediately gaining it again; my creativity has been misplaced in some dusty old box in the attic of my mind; Aaron Rodgers is still not playing; I don’t make enough money to have a single dime left to my name by the end of the year. 

As Todd Snider once wrote:

“Tension, tension, tension is all that I know
I got tension out in traffic, I got tension in my office
I got tension and it's everywhere that I go.

…

Tension, tension, tension is all that I know
I got tension in my health food, tension in my exercise
Tension and it's everywhere that I go.

…

Tension, tension, tension is all that I know
I got tension in my classroom, I got tension in my courtroom
I got tension and it's everywhere that I go.

…”

Most of these things, I know that I have the ability to change (hurry back Aaron!) but I can’t seem to find the motivation.  I tell people that I’m dealing with it, but I’m not.  I clearly want something to change, but the thought of actually going through with it terrifies me.  I've been single so long that I’m scared shitless of starting to date again and I've been at the same job for so many years that the thought of starting a new one has my ass cemented to the chair in my cubicle.  Losing weight doesn't scare me, but getting home after a long day and doing absolutely nothing is one of my last, stress-free, safe havens. 

I know in my last blog I mentioned that it was time for a change, and it is (so far so good on cutting back on alcohol!).  But as I've slowly been realizing throughout the years, acting upon a desire to change is much more difficult than just having the desire.  Still, somewhere, somehow, and sometime soon, I need to force myself to make a change. 

I keep telling myself that I’m waiting for the new year before trying anything new, but I’m not sure why.  Why should I wait, what’s so special about 12:01 am January 1^st as opposed to 11:59 pm December 31^st?  It’s just an excuse for procrastination, and not a good one at that. 

Procrastination is something that I've struggled with for so long that it was practically a dirty word in my house, growing up.  Nonetheless, as my parents learned (much to their frustration) when trying to teach me not to procrastinate, I have a tendency to put off doing something until the last possible second.  I would wait so long to do something that my parents would give up hope that I would ever change.  Then one day I would get up and take action, mercilessly and without hesitation. 

I've always had the desire and the know-how to make things better, and I believe I've always had the motivation too; it’s just that there’s so much of it that it moves slowly.  It’s like a glacier, it may take forever to get to where it’s going, but when it does nothing’s going to stop it.  For now though, the motivation to change just hasn't shown up.  Will I find the guts to do something this year, or will I have to wait another 14 days or longer?  I suppose only time, and my own impulses, will tell.