My Life is Cinema (Part 2)

This post is part 2 of a larger series.  Certain parts of it won’t make a whole lot of sense unless you have read part 1, which can be found here…

                When I was a kid, there was a Samoan princess who lived in the stars.  I don’t remember her name, or any of the stories, just that basic setting.  What I do remember is the feel of soft, Costco brand sweatpants covering the lap I was sitting on and the sound of lounge chairs being moved over a rough brick patio.  I remember a warm summer breeze wafting the scent of gently smoking cigarette butts through the air, and the sight of stars sparking against the night sky as the stories strolled among them.  And I remember the joy of letting those surroundings soak in while my mind traveled with a princess among islands made of starlight.

                                                                                                                       

               

                The stories were told to me by Penny, a friend of my parents.  In fact, she was the one who introduced them.  I still don’t know if the stories were ones from her childhood or if they were figments of her imagination that she occasionally allowed to go wild.  Either way, her stories of the island princess in the stars were my introduction to the act of storytelling.

                We went over to Penny’s house a lot when I was growing up.  She lived in the neighborhood between Idelwild and Chrissy Caughlin Park.  She and her husband would host poker nights all the time.  I would go with my parents, sometimes I would play poker with the adults, other times I would watch The Lion King in the other room while they played cards; it was then that I learned how to operate a tv and vcr. 

                Penny would make runny baked bbq beans, and serve some store-bought potato salad along with some French bread.  Her husband would make steaks on the grill out back.  If you asked for your steak to be rare, he would basically pick up a raw steak in some tongs on the right side of the grill, flip it over as he passed the steak over the heat and plop it down on a plate on the left side of the grill.  If you asked for your steak well done, you got the exact same treatment.  Every steak was rare and bloody, and the juices mixed with the runny beans to make a soup to be soaked up with the bread.  I hated the food when I was a kid; now it’s one of my favorite meals.

                Penny loved cats, especially Siamese cats.  She had a few different ones through all the years, though the two that stuck in my mind the most were Tinker and Stinker.  Tinker was small, devious, and playful while Stinker was larger, fat, and not overly bright, with eyes that went in every direction except straight ahead. 

Cats were a constant part of Penny’s life… so were Costco brand sweatpants and shirts.  She wore those sweats as often as she could get away with it.  And when you have as little concern for other people’s opinions as Penny did, you can ALWAYS get away with wearing sweats.  She would wear some of them frequently enough, especially around the house, that eventually the thread in them would wear down.  I’m pretty sure there were a few times where the ratio of thread to cat hair had shifted in favor of the felines.

She would chain smoke while she obsessively gambled.  She loved food that most other people would avoid (Eggroll King and Gold N’Silver) and she didn’t exercise.  She wasn’t the healthiest person around, there’s no denying that.  But her mind shined bright and her wit was the sharpest of anyone I’ve ever known.  She was never at a loss for words, jokes and comebacks were ready on a moment’s notice. 

Penny had a sense of self that was indomitable.  She knew exactly who she was and never seemed to doubt it for a second.  Others opinions held no sway with her unless they were the opinions of her friends, to whom she was unfailingly loyal. 

She was an avid reader, infatuated with a good mystery.  She would read book after book after book, always trying to stay one step ahead of the characters and the writer.  Likewise she would sit down with brain-teasers or puzzles, working on them for hours at a time.  She would burn through games such as Myst and Riven in a fraction of the time it would take an average person. 

I tell you all of this about Penny so that you can form a picture in your mind of the stories that she used to tell me of the Samoan princess that lived among the stars. 

A picture in my mind is all that remains for me as far as the stories are concerned…

A picture of lounge chairs on a rough brick patio covered in birdseed, below an ocean filled with islands of starlight far too numerous to count. 

A picture of people sitting around me with their heads tilted back and their eyes fixed on the night sky as a hand reaches out in front of me, pointing from start to star and weaving a tale more full and rich than any tapestry.

A picture of a mind shining brighter than the stars around it, its light shining out through the cracks of an ordinary life. 

That’s the picture that was given to me as an introduction to the world of stories and storytelling.  It’s the picture that taught me that no matter what may be happening in my day to day life, my imagination is capable of anything. 

                                                                                                                 

                Penny passed away a few years ago from cancer.  She hadn’t told me a story about the princess in the stars for nearly two decades.  Though the details of the stories have faded, the picture she left me with hasn’t.  The lessons derived from that picture haven’t faded either. 

                Now the picture of the porch and the starlight islands is a bit ephemeral and far too complicated to include in my Life Is Cinema tattoo.  However, these stories, the storyteller, and their impact on my perception of life, and the stories that it’s made up of need to be included somehow.  So I figure, I’ll keep it simple and fill the first frame of the film with a penny, a little play on words for the woman that taught me never to let my imagination whither; the woman that showed me what storytelling can do for the soul.  

Why is TV Sho* Good (*Not a typo)

            What memorable historic moments come to mind when you think of 1983? For many it’s the start of the Ronald Reagan years, the expansion of free enterprise, or the last time Teresa Mullins smiled.

           

            But for TV enthusiasts, 1983 was the year where a record 105 million Americans tuned in to watch the series finale of the longest running TV show in history, MASH. Not until the 2010 Super Bowl, did an American based television program attract a larger audience. Mesmerized by the two and a half decade multi-media record, I sought out to discover what made MASH so good?

Quickly, I realized the answer. Absolutely nothing. Sorry white people (plus Wayne Brady).

The show consisted of flat characters with less development than a construction project in Qatar, it had over-used punch lines that make CBS comedy shows look clever, and Alan Alda’s performance makes you feel glad that we lost the Vietnam war. However, what struck me in my distaste for MASH was how good TV has become. 

Personal opinions aside, the facts back me up. Nielsen reports that more people tuned in to “TV” in the past two years than during the first twenty years of the invention of this multimedia tube.

Oh, and that MASH record? It’s obsolete in a broader comparative standard. When you factor in HULU, DVRs, and other forms of streaming media, more people viewed the first season of House of Cards, the end of Parks and Recreation, and the last four Game of Thrones season finales, than tuned in for the MASH finale.

So what made TV so good? Was it an accident? Did we get lazy? Or did TV producers utilize big data and better technology, thus causing the quality of programming to significantly improve?

The evidence tends support the latter. Despite the grumbling from older generations and Michelle Obama (thanks Obama), people are far more active now than they were in the Vietnam era.  During the first lady’s “Let’s Move” campaign, copious amount of data was collected on the state of America’s physical activity levels. Since the MASH days, the amount of Americans going on hikes, swimming, or engaging in some type of physical activity once a week tripled. During the Obama administration, more Americans have stated that working out is an integral part of their lifestyle than during any other time in history (shut up Sarah Palin).

But what’s happened in recent years is that college students and young adults don’t follow up their weekend hike with a pizza and then a nap. According to the 2013 Nielson TV Survey reports, more households are tuning into Sunday premium TV or catching up on their favorite shows.

This is no accident. 

HBO, long known as the go-to for lewd late-night TV and abhorrent 1990’s Pauly Shore movies, understood that their current model of B-list-actor erotica movies would no longer work. With easier access to the Internet and information, the premium cable provider knew they would be fucked if nothing changed quickly.  In a Fast Company interview, Home Box Office CEO, Richard Plepler, explains, “There was no core advantage anymore in being raunchy or scandalous.  We needed to improve our story telling skills and adopt a narrative that would resonate with a broader audience.”

Richard and his Band of Brothers (pun intended) went to work, and they went to work fast. Former HBO Chief Technology Officer, Otto Berke, explains, “We went from having additional writers as an option in the late 90’s, to shows like Curb [Your Enthusiasm] and Sopranos having a dozen writers taking on massive responsibilities. We’d have four writers carving out 10 minute blocks.” Remember that God-awful show MASH? In total, the team had 30 writers over a two-decade span.

One other visceral difference between modern TV and the sit-com laden 80’s and 90’s, is the array of stunning visual effects. This also was no coincidence. Every year TV nerds gather at the Paley Center for Media Paleyfest, which boasts a lineup that consists of actors and producers from the biggest shows. During their “History of TV” panel, execs from CBS, ABC, and Showtime all explained their adjusted budgets to integrate digital effects. Otto Berkes, also a participant on this panel, had the chance to explain, the main driver was consumer trends. People no longer wanted TV to mainly consist of content that resembled their lives, only slightly more horrific or humorous; they wanted a sort of escapism. For the first time since Star Wars and Star Trek, the early 2000 shows of Heroes, Lost, and Battlestar Galactica gave TV producers an idea of what the audience really wanted. Non-acting and writing dollars soared by 155% over the past ten years.

In conjunction, TV viewership has soared over the past decade. Yes, people may attribute this to illegal streams, show-to-web platforms like Hulu, and HBO Now. However, Jim Funk, former SVP of Business Development at Roku, argues that the quality of TV has improved dramatically. At a roundtable last week in San Francisco, Mr. Funk argued, “Replay for plain vanilla, single camera shows, such as Seinfield, the Mindy Project, and New Girl is hassle. You look at Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, and others have a much easier time attracting viewers to view the same content multiple times. I’ve been in the industry for 30 years and I’ve never seen this much excitement” 

And he’s right. People don’t just like TV, they LOVE TV. The internet has become a source for viewers to know the actors, shitty websites like BuzzFeed have given us a “chance” to see which characters we would be, and forums give us a chance to discuss TV plots on end.

This trend, is also, no accident.  The utilization of big data has transformed a plethora of industries over the past 10 years, and TV is no exception.

One household name, Netflix, largely thanks their data geeks for their enormous success. Once known as a company with a ridiculous DVD delivery model that douche-y, small-minded TV talking heads on CNBC would routinely mock; the company now has 62 million subscribers and adds roughly 3 million news users every quarter. The entertainment streaming company just announced a 7 for 1 stock split. In the past 30 years, only Apple has been able to transact such an enormous market value mash up.

Dan Ellis, former Director of Content Operations of Netflix, attributes this success to the hoards of data his old employer collected. Ellis notes, “We knew House of Cards was a success because we had information that consumers continuously searched for Kevin Spacey, old and young audiences loved Fincher, and you had a national audience, who since the Clinton/Lewinsky saga, had a guilty pleasure for political scandals.” Jenji Kohan, the creator of such shows as Weeds and Orange is the New Black, confessed she was amazed by how much Netflix knew about her show even before productions. Kohan claims that Netflix strategists knew the size of their audience, the chance Piper would resonate with females of all backgrounds, and that the use of a transgender star would be an attraction rather than a distraction.

Other networks took note. Recently, in efforts to turn around their poor ratings, NBC expanded their analytics team by 20% and hired 3 different big data companies. ABC’s expansion into ethnic based shows and hiring additional non-white actors can largely be attributed to their studies on the market for un-tapped demographics.

But at its core, TV has always attracted audiences for the same reasons, intrigue and relatability. If you haven’t fallen asleep by now you might remember that I stated audiences didn’t want cookie cutter replications of themselves, and I still believe that. However, now more than ever, we can feel a sense of intrigue as well as relate to TV characters.

The appeal for Game of Thrones is a prime example.  Granted, we have a show with fantastic visual effects, the draw of medieval times, and nudity; but no one can deny the connection we have with these characters and, more importantly, their journey.

This season’s finale and the Red Wedding resonated with us all, because we felt a sense of loss. For the most part, all of us threw away our Edward and/or Jacob T-shirts and became Team “Stark” as the show progressed.  Seeing members of the Stark family struggle through their personal journey, come across new frightening unknowns, and ultimately triumph, kept many of us coming back for more. In fact, GoT enthusiasts will know George R.R. Martin originally pitched his books off the simple premise that his novels would chronicle the growth process of the five Stark children. So it made complete emotional sense that we all felt despair when we knew the time for Stark family members like Robb, Caitlyn, and Ned had come to an abrupt and brutal end.

Aside from our love for the popular HBO show, many of us resonate with TV and its countless characters for a variety of reasons. The camaraderie seen in shows like Entourage, Glee, Sex and the City, and even the dysfunctional Girls are something we slightly envy. The struggle for genuine kinships (or lack of) in shows like Suits, Breaking Bad, Scrubs, and of course Friends also resonate with us because at some time in our lives we have each longed for a relationship, plutonic or more, which either never came to fruition or (after a few trials and many errors) eventually did.

Additionally, no one can deny the intrigue for shows like House and Mad Men; many of us have experienced deep and un-admitted sorrow that our professional success failed to translate into personal happiness.  These shows gave us bigger-than-life characters that were struggling with the same personal dilemmas and troubles that so many of us face on a daily basis.

Apart from the connections taking place in the show, we also have to consider the connections taking place between the viewers. Who doesn’t love coming to work on Monday, discussing the shows with their colleagues, and sharing their excitement or sadness with friends?

We don’t want to admit it because it seems so trivial, but we all feel an emotional loss when our favorite shows end. However, I bring you very good news.  Upon an end to any relationship, your friends assure you there will be other opportunities to love again. TV shows are no different. With the tools of mass data and years of mastering the craft of powerful screen writing, we now live in a remarkable age where TV shows can deliver, in idiosyncratic ways, the opportunity to shine a lens on our deepest thoughts and fears, our grandest ambitions, and our most desired connections.

You thought you’ve seen everything, but you haven’t. In the not-so-distant future, TV will be so good we’ll be able to compare MASH to Bravo reality TV while we marvel at the stories highlighting Jon Snow’s reincarnation into the King of Dragons who rightfully regains his throne.*

Stay tuned.

*Let it be on record that I, Chris Blue, do not necessarily agree with all Game of Thrones theories stated in this blog post.

52 Glimpses Inside My Stream of Consciousness

     Sometimes it helps me to just start writing my stream of consciousness.  Any thought that pops in to my head, I write it down.  This time I figured, "why not edit it a bit and then post it?"  This is the finished product.

     Also, if you're wondering why "52", there's no special reason, that's just where I stopped.  However, you can go ahead and believe it's in honor of #52, Clay Matthews, if you like.

1.

I talk to myself (everyone does it, just admit it).  When I talk to myself while making/drinking coffee, I replace the word “coffee” with “Koffing”, the name/sound of the villainous Pokémon so heavily featured in my childhood television habits.  I even say it in the character’s voice.

2.

I’m obsessed with stories and storytelling.  So much so that I have occasionally tried to shape my own life in to a hand-crafted story, rather than allowing it to simply play itself out.  Frequently I take this too far.  I wait to make any decision in my life until I feel like the narrative running through my head demands action. 

I won’t make a move professionally unless I’m convinced that the move will provide a nice plot twist.  I won’t ask someone out or make a flirtatious move until the moment feels like the climax of a sappy Rom-com or a John Hughes movie. 

By the time I feel like the right moment has come along, I’ve usually waited too long and I end up angry with myself.

3.

I’m terrified of motorcycles.

4.

My favorite color is grey; one reason why is because of the symbolism of the color in regards to the moral ambiguity of life in our world.  The other reason is because a grey background tends to make other colors appear more vibrant and more beautiful.  A third, albeit distant, reason is because of the Counting Crows song, “Me and Mr. Jones”.

5.

I have Alice In Wonderland Syndrome; when I was younger I actually enjoyed it, it didn’t seem to have any negative effects and the change in my vision was fun.  For most of my life I figured it was a regular occurrence that happened to everyone.  It’s only recently that I’ve discovered that is not the case (and that it’s called the Alice In Wonderland Syndrome, what a cool name…). 

Typically it’s a childhood thing that people grow out of, I haven’t yet.  And now, as I get older, the changes in my vision are accompanied by migraines… it’s not so fun anymore.  I’ve never mentioned it to a doctor or anything, so I suppose it isn’t officially confirmed.  Still, I experience it on a regular basis, I’ve now read all about it online, and if someone put in on line, it must be true… right?!

6.

I’m fascinated with religion, I always have been.  I’ve read about it and studied it for most of my life now.  I’m not talking about one specific religion, all of them are remarkable to me.  I own copies of most of the primary religious texts, I haven’t read all of them front to back, but have read plenty of passages from all of them. 

During all these years of my fascination, I have developed very definitive ideas of my own in regards to what I believe, but it’s extremely rare that I share that information with anyone.  More importantly, my time spent trying to understand the world’s religions has given me a great level of acceptance and tolerance toward other people’s beliefs.

7.

Despite the fact that I love to write and that I have a relatively large vocabulary, I suck at rhyming.  That’s the main reason that I haven’t written any poetry in over ten years.

8.

I wear a ring on my pinky.  When people ask why, I legitimately don’t have an answer.  I started wearing it a long time ago because it was a gift from a friend.  I simply never stopped wearing it.

9.

The sound of a phone ringing while no one answers it is a huge pet-peeve of mine.

10.

I don’t like large crowds because I don’t like people touching me, whether it’s on accident or on purpose.  However, handshakes are perfectly fine, and I love to give hugs.  I don’t know why a hug is perfectly acceptable for me, but an incidental brush against my shoulder is an anxiety inducing event.

11.

On a related note, I love wide-open spaces.  Too many buildings or enclosed spaces give me anxiety after a while.

12.

I legitimately think women are more attractive without makeup than they are with it.  A woman waking up in the morning with no makeup on, bedhead, and wrinkled pj’s tends to be more attractive to me than if she were dressed to the nines with immaculate hair and makeup.

Both pictures are great, but the left is certainly better.

13.

I love the scent and even the taste of pine, and I’d like to find a way to incorporate it into some recipes.

14.

When I was little, I used to make myself peanut butter and cheese sandwiches.  Now that I’m an adult, I’m tempted to try them again… maybe I was on to something…

15.

I used to be able to be happy on a regular basis when I was alone with my own thoughts.  Somewhere along the way that changed.  I got to a point where I was only happy when I was talking to or spending time with friends and/or loved ones.  However, over the last few years, I feel as if this is changing once more, and I’m able to find some measure of happiness when I’m on my own again. 

I attribute this change in part to my trips to the Sasquatch! Music Festival over the last three years.  I’m writing about all of it in a longer piece set up in a sort of trilogy format.  However, due to the personal nature of the writing, I’m most likely not going to let anyone read it for quite some time.

16.

I constantly day dream.  I have one particular day dream that is my favorite, and I keep going back to it every day for years now, it’s like a well that’s filled with a feeling rather than water.  The feeling is the same one I used to get when I was a child and I would tie a blanket around my shoulders and run around like a superhero, I believe the scientific name for the feeling is, “bad-assiness”. 

The day dream is one where I have certain abilities, sort of a mix of three comic book characters (The Darkness, The Tattooed Man, and Tom Taylor).  In it I can travel between any fictional worlds that I care to, and I have tattoos that can jump off my skin and become real.  So I travel between fictions, helping people, and I tattoo their best weapons and such on myself for future use.  Also, I befriend the smoke monster from LOST because, why not?

17.

I never feel like it’s officially summer until I get a mild sunburn.  Then I use the memory of how stupid that is to remind myself to wear sunscreen for the rest of the summer.  I feel like there’s a flaw somewhere in this strategy, I just can’t seem to find it…

18.

I really want someone to do a reboot of the Animorphs series.

19.

I think that Aquaman’s ability to communicate with sea-life is an extremely underrated ability and that comics writers are missing out on an opportunity to have a hero who can communicate similarly with ALL animals… (I’m not incredibly up on current comic lore, there may be a character like this that I don’t know about.)

20.

I enjoy trying to figure out how I would defend any random building that I’m in against a medieval siege or a zombie attack.

21.

People that follow an ideology, a mindset, or a political party simply because it’s currently the social norm or just because they were raised that way, worry me.  Blind devotion to a cause isn't something we should be ok with.  I feel like we should all be able to give full explanations as to why we do what we do and why we think the way we think.  People that can give me those explanations make me happy, even if their views conflict with mine.

22.

Many of my favorite movies directly involve the writing of stories (The Brothers Bloom, Stranger Than Fiction, Finding Forester, etc.)

23.

Writing is the only way I’m comfortable expressing myself or conveying emotion.  I’m not all that good at sitting down and discussing things.  I feel like this is because the voice that I know as my own is the voice in my head, and it prefers to leave my head via my fingers and a keyboard or pen and paper.  When I open my mouth to actually speak, that voice, with all of my thoughts, suddenly gives me the silent treatment and I’m left to forget what I was about to say or to say something stupid.  When I’m in a conversation like that I feel like I’m wearing a blindfold while stumbling through a verbal minefield.

24.

I still remember growing a bean stalk for a class project when I was a little kid.  When I accidentally killed the plant, I cried, profusely. 

25.

I tend to cry more at weddings than I do at funerals.  I’m not sure why that is.

26.

I’m developing a celebrity crush on the lead singer of PHOX… she’s such a fox.

27.

I love puns.

28.

Despite my PHOX-y new crush, I don’t often give in to celebrity “worship” (for lack of a better word).  I’ve seen celebrities before, in NYC, in LA, even just on the road.  I don’t care, they’re just people.  Sure, maybe they can do something that I can’t and that earns them a spot in the limelight, but that really doesn’t matter to me, they don’t impress me… usually.  I’ll admit that there is a small handful of celebrities that I would be thrilled to meet.

29.

I sometimes get the feeling that I’m in a Truman Show scenario.  I know that’s silly, but every once in a while I talk to my bathroom mirror just in case there’s a camera on the other side and someone is watching.

30.

I’m really looking forward to the next season of Doctor Who.  I feel like, if the writers give him some good material to work with, Peter Capaldi has the potential to surpass David Tennant and become my favorite Doctor thus far.  However, I think I need to watch more of the old ones in order to fully justify that opinion.

31.

I re-watch Battlestar Galactica at least once a year, usually more.  The same goes for Scrubs and Firefly.

32.

Someday I want to get into Mensa.  Just to prove I can.

33.

I realize that I’m a lot less mature than I sometimes think I am.  Also, I feel like if I have this same thought periodically throughout the rest of my life, then I’m doing something right.  I don’t want to reach the end of my growth and the end of my maturity until I reach the end of everything.

34.

I love to sing, and while I know that I can sing without any other vocal accompaniment (i.e. without my ipod or at least someone singing harmony), I usually freeze when the opportunity presents itself.  I feel like it’s for the same reason that I sometimes freeze during conversations; the voice in my head shuts up and I forget what to say.

35.

I sometimes get upset that people don’t seem to fully comprehend me.  Then I realize that I don’t often share much about myself, and that may be a contributing factor to people’s lack of comprehension. 

36.

I believe that humans can make some amazing art, whether that’s paintings, sculpture, or architecture, yet as beautiful as it may be, it will never be able to compare to the beauty found in nature.  I believe the same goes for writing and stories.  As amazing and as beautiful as some written stories may be, they’ll never be able to compare to life in the natural world. 

Music is the one art form that I believe humanity has the advantage in.  As wonderful as birdsong and the sound of waves can be, good music can make me feel like no other sound ever has.

37.

I sometimes miss having someone to talk to whenever I feel like I need to talk something out.  I’ve tried to force that level of relationship with other people in the last couple of years, but it just doesn’t feel right.  Recently though I’ve been opening up more to my mom and that feels good.

38.

I love sour things, and I will eat a whole lemon if the mood strikes me.  And yes, I know that’s terrible for my teeth.

39.

The best candy has peanut butter in it.  This isn’t an opinion, it’s a fact.

40.

The only times I refer to Levi by his name anymore are when I’m talking about him with someone else, or when he’s in trouble.  When it’s just he and I and he’s NOT in trouble, then I usually refer to him with a random assortment of the following four words: booger, face, silly, butt.  He responds well.

41.

Cinnamon Buns is my new favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s.  Which is strange, because I’m actually not a huge fan of real cinnamon buns.

42.

When I write the word “beautiful” (which is fairly often), I always sound it out in my head the exact way Jim Carrey does in Bruce Almighty… B E A Utiful…

43.

I was very disappointed with the way LOST ended.  Though I think most of that disappointment stemmed from the work that I had put in to my extensive theories about what should could have happened.  Now enough time has passed that I can appreciate LOST for what it is, a mediocre show that has its moments, and is a good space filler in between re-watches of Battlestar Galactica, Scrubs, and Firefly.

44.

I’m attracted to strong women.  Not necessarily physically strong (though that doesn’t hurt), but rather an inner strength.  Ambition, independence, and the courage to go after your dreams are all extremely attractive traits.  I’m not saying they’re necessary for me to be attracted to someone, but they’ll certainly get my attention.

Perfect example: Emma Watson giving a speech on HeForShe in front of the UN...

45.

Big, close, Steve-Martin-movie type families scare me a bit.  I’m not used to that, and I’m not sure how to act when I’m around them.

46.

I occasionally worry about the inevitable rise of the machines.  I keep an eye out for anything resembling Skynet or cylons… just in case.

47.

I’m fairly proud of my Sautéed Porkchop recipe.  It’s really simple and really good, but I don’t think I’ve ever made it for anyone other than myself.

48.

I sometimes have a tendency to finish people’s thoughts for them when I talk to them.  I don’t mind it when people do it to me, but I get the feeling that other people don’t appreciate it at times… I think I ought to try watching out for that.

49.

I love poorly written, big budget action movies such as Transformers and the Fast and Furious series.  They don’t require a ton of thought, but damn they’re entertaining.

50.

I’ve struggled with low self-confidence my entire life.  Due to plenty of introspection over the last couple of years, I think I’ve finally come to terms with it and its causes.  I’m not going to share the reasons for the low self-confidence, it’s my baggage, I can handle it.  I do think that I’m getting better about it though, and starting to gain some confidence in myself, slowly.

51.

Former Disney channel stars all look the same to me at some point in their careers.  Those few years where they just start to show up on the tabloids that I read in the grocery store line, those are the years that they are indiscernible to me.  Before that point in their careers, I don’t even know they exist.  After that point is when they either become functional adults or fully fledged psychopaths, and at that point I can tell who each one is.

52.

I'm incredibly jealous of anyone that has had the privilege of going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I REALLY want to go at some point.

Why I Write

Lately I have come to appreciate why I write this blog.  It’s been a month since I last posted anything.  The last blog I posted was a tribute to the late Sir Terry Pratchett.  He was one of my favorite authors and a huge inspiration for me to start to write.  That post meant something to me, whether it was very good or not.

Because of the connection that I felt and because of the meaning that I felt the post had, it upset me that two weeks after posting the blog it still had the fewest views of any of my blogs.  What bothered me wasn’t that there were so few fans of Terry Pratchett that read my blog.  It wasn’t even that only a portion of the people close to me seemed to be bothered by his death.  What upset me was that my writing didn’t carry more weight and that it didn’t change people’s minds.  At least that’s what I told myself at first.  But I’m fairly certain now that that’s not the right answer either. 

What upset me was simply the lack of views.  When I write it always means something to me.  Sure, certain blogs have more meaning than others, but every one of them means something to me.  However, it wasn’t a lack of appreciation for that meaning that I think bothered me.  It was the lack of attention. 

I’ve read articles on Elite Daily and Thought Catalog, etc. about our obsession with social media, “likes”, and the attention they imply.  I regret to admit that I gave in to that addiction… and not only on that last blog, it has been happening all year.  I care too much about how many views I get, or how many comments, and it detracts from why I’m really writing.

Anyway, for a few weeks that blog was the least viewed one I had ever posted.  Until I tried to post it one more time, and this time I posted it in the comments on an article about another fan’s tribute for Pratchett.  Suddenly it blew up (relatively speaking).  The explosion of views helped me realize that I was getting greedy for the attention.  Also it helped me realize that just because a certain bit of writing may not intrigue one audience doesn’t mean that there isn’t an audience out there for it.

All of this brings me back to my original point, my reason for writing this blog.  I don’t write it for the audience, though the audience may motivate me to write more.  I don’t write it for the views or the comments, and certainly not for the attention.  I let that fact slip away for a while in the last year or so, trying to post more frequently and with better writing simply to get more attention on social media. 

Those aren’t the reasons that I write the blog, and I need to remember the real reason that I do.  I don’t write for any of you reading this right now, and I shouldn’t be writing just to get attention (note: I didn’t write about Pratchett just to get attention, I just got upset when it didn’t ALSO get attention). 

I write for myself.  I write because it makes me happy to do so.  I write because it helps give the chaotic thoughts in my head some structure.  All the topics that I’ve written on, and hundreds more, are constantly whirring around inside my head.  I talk to myself about them, but I can barely finish a sentence without straying on to the next thought… like a kitten with ADD, hyped up on caffeine, in a laser pointer factory. 

Sitting down and writing helps slow everything down; it gives me the chance to pull the thoughts out of my head and organize them in the structure provided by 26 little letters and a handful of punctuation. 

I thought I had learned this lesson a while ago, and maybe I had and then simply forgot it.  As flattering as it is that anyone reads this, let alone those that see fit to comment on it (either publically or privately), I don’t write for you.  I write for me.  I write because I enjoy it.  Only a small portion of my writing eventually makes it on to this blog.  For every entry I post there’s at least half a dozen other things (both fiction and non-fiction) that never see the light of day.

I write for my own peace of mind.  It calms me down and slows down my world.  I know not everyone enjoys writing or even reading for that matter.  However, if you know of some activity that you enjoy, whether it’s something creative, analytical, or perhaps something physical, I encourage you not to let that activity get away from you.

                If you have something that makes you happy like writing does for me, then partake in that as often as you can (within reason).  But remember that it’s your thing.  Don’t let the attention of other people take it over, and don’t let it devolve in to something counter-intuitive.  This thing that you love to do is yours and yours only.  If you choose to share it with the world, then good for you (and I have no doubt that the world will be grateful), but don’t let the world’s view overtake your own. 

Sometimes I need to be reminded of that rule, and I would assume that everyone could do with a reminder now and again.  

A Tribute to Sir Terry Pratchett

""All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."

REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little--"

YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

"So we can believe the big ones?"

YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

"They're not the same at all!"

YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET -- Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point--"

MY POINT EXACTLY."

- Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

On March 12^th, 2015 Sir Terry Pratchett died.  For those of you who don’t know of him, he was the author of over 70 books.  He was labeled primarily as a fantasy writer that used a heavy dose of humor.  He died at the age of 66 from a rare form of early onset Alzheimer’s.  He was an inspiration to millions and he was the one who made me want to start writing. 

The work that he is best known for is his Discworld series.  It’s a series of over 40 books set in a world where magic governs the laws of physics, where dwarves and trolls fight each other over imagined slights from centuries earlier.  It’s a world where Death speaks in ALL CAPS and rides a pale horse (named Binky).  Most notably it is a world that is flat and shaped like a disk that rests on the backs of four elephants that stand on the back of a giant turtle named Great A’Tuin. 

The truly remarkable thing about the Discworld is that despite all of the qualities that tend to scare off anyone not interested in fantasy (i.e. not realistic enough, not interested in reading about werewolves and dragons, etc.), he has somehow made this world of his just as poignant and just as real as the world we live in. 

The Discworld isn't a farce existing only to allow readers a place to waste time in a world wholly unlike our own.  It’s a mirror held up to the face of our world.  While it may be a funhouse mirror, that doesn’t mean that the images it shows us are any less true.  It accentuates the flaws in us as human beings and brings in to focus the warts on the soul of humanity that we may have otherwise overlooked. 

Terry Pratchett took the worst of our world and showed it to us.  He took those things that frighten us, such as racism, war, death, football (soccer), and our desperate greed for power, and he made us laugh at them. 

He proved to us that our flaws shouldn't be hidden and covered up.  He told us in no uncertain terms that the only way we can better ourselves and the world around us is to acknowledge our horrors, our blemishes, and our evils.  Acknowledge them and face them together, armed with that which is the best in each of us; our love, our courage, and our humor (also, a half-brick in a sock can come in handy). 

                Terry Pratchett had the wisest sense of humor that I have ever witnessed.  He laughed at the world, at life, and most of all at himself.  His jokes were weapons to him; they’re how he dealt with the pain that he perceived in the world.  He taught me that funny and serious are not opposites.  He showed me that just because something is painful or scary, just because it’s a problem that needs solving, doesn't mean that it can’t be laughed at. 

                He did his best to show the world that it is okay to laugh at any time in life, and that at the hardest of times it’s not only okay, but perhaps necessary.  His humor was a flamethrower that he used to light up the darkness. 

                Still, he continued to be widely pigeonholed as a fantasy writer, and thus ignored by too many around the world.  I know it’s strange to say that one of the most prolific and awarded writers of our time was largely ignored, but in many ways it’s true.  The fact that his books were filled with dragons and “Wizzard(s)” sidelined him in the minds of many readers who just aren't in to fantasy (Game of Thrones being the exception).  Likewise many critics gave credit for his success to his wit so much more so than his wisdom and thus his lessons didn't reach quite as many as perhaps they should have.

                Many people who have encountered him, or who have only read his work in passing have portrayed him later as a jovial, lighthearted man that viewed the world through a haze of laughter.  Personally I don’t believe that to be the case.  I think Sir Terry saw the world for what it is; a ball of well-organized chaos. 

He witnessed the pain and the troubles of the world, everything from religious persecution to slavery and the dehumanization of others.  He did his best to bring these troubles to light, to force those not currently faced with them to become so.  He did all of this while providing us, his audience, with armor forged of his own sense of humor, so that we may feel the sting of the chaos of life, but we could protect ourselves all the same.

I don’t believe that he viewed the world around him through his humor; I think he allowed the pain in the world to hurt him.  He met the evils in the human soul and he invited them in for tea so that he could get to know them better.  He did it so that he could put them on display for the rest of the world to laugh at. 

He wasn’t a jovial man, he was passionate, he was furious, and he was zealous in his love for humanity.  He was a very funny man, with a wonderful sense of humor, but just like Robin Williams, his humor was not his greatest strength; his passion for life and his vehement search for wisdom were more vital to his persona than anything.  They were simply overshadowed in the eyes of many by the mountain of his wit and charm.

The passion that Terry had for life filled his books and bled in to my mind through his words and the pages of Discworld.  I’ve never learned so much from one person as I have from him.  He inspired me to face life and to study it.  He encouraged me to learn what I could of the pain in the world and to find a way to laugh at it.  He taught me that it’s okay to let the darkness inside and to shake hands with humanity’s demons.  He then taught me that my greatest weapons against those very same monsters are my love, and my humor, and that through those I could find the courage to continue to face that darkness.

Perhaps the most important lesson that Sir Terry taught me was that of the power of words.  In the Discworld, words can have actual power (in the magical sense), but the most powerful words are those that come from the heart.  He showed me that no words (even those used in a spell) have nearly the same level of power as the words spoken from the soul or those written with passion and love. 

It was this lesson that had the greatest impact on me.  The idea that a few words could change the world has been the driving force behind my desire to write.  He inspired me to feel everything that I can in the world and to put it down in words so that I can make some sense of it all.

Some people have already written about him since his death, in posts and articles much like this one, calling him a hero for the lessons he taught us all.  However, I think he would agree with me when I say that he was many things; an inspiration, a wise-man, a jester, a teacher, and an enthusiast of life, but he was no hero.  He was a man, a human being.  He had his flaws as we all do, and he knew it better than most of us.

To call someone a hero dehumanizes them, it puts them above the rest of us and accentuates their strengths while diminishing their blemishes.  I don’t believe he would want that.  He never saw himself like that, he was just a person, doing what he believed needed to be done, and doing it to the best of his ability.  To take away his faults seems to be unfair to a man who so passionately believed in equality for all (except mimes).

Instead, I’ll end this tribute by reiterating that he was an inspiration to me.  He taught me much about this world and about life, but most of all he ignited within me a burning passion for the written word.  For that and for every other lesson he taught me, as well as for every laugh and every tear he moved me to, I will forever be grateful.  I will do my best to honor his memory by allowing my passion to shine through the words that I write every day.

"No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away..." - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man