See No Evil

                Sometimes there are no words to be said, none that make sense anyway.  Sometimes there’s no way to reconcile or explain what happened.  It’s times like these that hurt the most, and it’s times like these that may take years before we’re able to find the right words to put it all in perspective. 

                My friend died this week.  I miss him.  I don’t know what else to say.  It hurts.  It’s one of those emotional pains deep enough that it manifests itself in a physical way.  The voices in my head want me to scream that it’s not fair, it’s not just… this isn’t how life was supposed to happen; but I don’t have the energy to utter a single word.

                I wish I could go back and fix this and fix so many things.  I wish I could go back and talk to him one more time, ten more times, a hundred more times.  I wish I could go back and help him, through this and everything.  I know though, that he would be the first to tell me how useless it is to wish.

                Life happens.  Sometimes it’s short, other times it’s long.  Sometimes it’s ugly, but every so often it’s beautiful.  I believe that overall the beauty outweighs the ugliness, but sometimes I wonder.

                I don’t know what else to say.  I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m sad.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.  All I do know is that I will use this pain and this anger.  I’m not sure what for, but they’ll be put to good use; maybe in that book I keep promising myself but never deliver.  Or maybe not.  That’s what he would have done, I think.  For now, I just don’t know… the world doesn’t seem right.

                Goodbye my friend, you will be missed.

   Tom Durham – 1987 to 2017

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.” 
― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It