What
does it mean to be a man anymore? I feel
like for the generations before mine, this wasn't a difficult question. Things were so much more black and white
then. Of course, I wasn't around to
witness those years firsthand, so what do I know, I could be totally
wrong. Perhaps our grandfathers and
great grandfathers had the same identity crises that we do. Nonetheless, whether they had those questions
or not shouldn’t have an effect on how we, as individuals answer the question,
what does it mean to be a man?
Is a
man simply the opposite of a woman? Someone
who has big muscles, facial hair, a tribal armband tattoo, and a slight to
moderate god complex; someone who never wears pink, who drives a big, lifted
truck, who’s idea of a romantic date is to go see The Expendables in the theater. Is a man someone who doesn’t know how to
change a diaper or how to cook a decent meal because those are a woman’s
duties?
Or
perhaps to understand what it takes to be a man we have to take a more
classical approach. Does a man work hard
at his job, clawing his way up the corporate ladder in order to earn more money
and provide for his family? Does a man
put in 70, 80 hour weeks at work, at a job that he may or may not enjoy, in
order to make sure that his children can have the best of everything? Perhaps the path of a man is to get a job and
stick with it for 40+ years, providing more and more for his family, until he
can afford to retire and spend the twilight of his life wishing he’d enjoyed
his glory years more.
Maybe
though, and this is a long shot, but maybe it’s some combination of both? To me neither of them seems appealing, but
what if we mix them together, and add in just one more definition of
manhood? A man is truly nothing more than
the opposite of a boy. At some point we
are all children, obviously, and girls become women, while boys become men
(generally speaking). So what’s a boy? A boy is still growing; a boy is someone who
is too young to ask such existential questions.
A boy is someone who is learning the most basic of essential life lessons
while (hopefully) being protected and nurtured.
At some
point in our lives we go through a change.
It happens at a different time for each of us, and for some it happens
in a bright, crisp, crimson moment. For
others it’s a gradual change occurring over years of small events and the
lessons learned from them. But at some
point we become men, not boys. However,
even after that change, maintenance is required; you don’t simply become a man
and then stop changing for the rest of your life. And so, this brings us back to our original
question, “What does it mean to be a man?”
We are
told and shown thousands of different times in a day what it is to be a
man. The advertising and entertainment
industries would have us believe either of the first definitions that I
gave. According to most of the companies
that are trying to sell us something, a man is supposed to have ruggedly good
looks, just enough stubble to look like he stayed at a lady’s house the night
before and hasn’t had a chance to shave.
According to them, a real man should have a 6 pack that is so defined it
deserves a 0 after the six. According to
the people that control what happens in front of the cameras, whether it be in
advertising or Hollywood, a man is infinitely confident. He’s the hero of any story he may find himself
in, he makes enough money to never worry about it, and he looks great whether
he’s wearing jeans with no shirt or a suit.
But
their depiction of a man is missing that third ingredient. It’s missing the last definition of a man; it’s
missing that transition from boyhood to manhood. We all go through it, perhaps as you read
this, you are remembering the moment you knew, or maybe you are reflecting on
your gradual transition. Or possibly you
haven’t made the transition yet, but you’re rapidly approaching it. Either way, the producers behind the cameras
would have you believe that the transition from boyhood simply happens when you
decide it does. Perhaps it’s a type of “body
spray” (here’s a hint, if you use Axe body spray or anything like it, on a
regular basis, chances are you’re still a boy), perhaps it’s a “real job”, or
maybe it’s the truck with a bigger engine than your dad’s truck. Whatever it is, they tell you that it’s a material
change; they tell you that this one change, this one thing will make you a man
worth being.
That
can’t be right though, can it? Manhood
isn’t a thing you can buy; it’s not an external addition to your life. You don’t simply wear a scent, drink a
whiskey, buy a suit, and voila! You’re a
man! While external forces will
inevitably play a role in your transition from boyhood, they aren’t the
transition itself. Manhood isn't an
external thing, it’s entirely internal, and it’s not a decision either, though
that may be the catalyst, instead it’s an internal realization. It’s something that happens to you without
your conscious thought. Manhood isn't something
that you can simply manifest by sheer force of will, and it’s not something
that you can apply like a salve on a wound.
Plenty
of attention has been given lately to the misrepresentation of women in/by the media,
but where is the outcry for the misrepresentation of men? It’s the other side of the same coin. Women are put under unfair pressures, and
they are treated a certain way if they don’t conform, all because of the way
the media portrays them. But the whole
time, the same thing is happening to the men, and it quietly continues while no
one lifts a finger to stop it. There are
advertising campaigns to promote body positive images for women, and to
encourage women to break the stereotypes set in place for decades. But those same companies still promote this
false image of men with more abs then they have toes or fingers, and a cocky
smile no matter what situation they are in.
And
there’s the real issue, it’s the not the body image that is most damaging to
the men in our society, it’s the implications of the mentality of a man. The media implies that a man is confident all
of the time, that a man never needs help from someone just to stand on his own
two feet. They’d have us believe that
every man is a king of his own kingdom.
While confidence is a GREAT thing, and absolutely essential for
happiness, it isn’t manufactured like the media would have us believe. You can’t simply go to the gym, get a new deodorant,
and some new clothes in order to be a confident and happy man. You have to work for it, confidence comes
from within. I know all too well that it’s
not an easy thing to find, but that it is very easy to fake, no matter how much
damage it causes us to do so.
Through
this misrepresentation we forget possibly the most important part of the
transition from boyhood to manhood, we forget the boy. We lose sight of the fact that even though we
are now men, somewhere inside each of us is a boy wondering what the F*$% is
going on. Just because you’ve completed
the transition to a man doesn’t mean that you leave your boyhood hanging on a
branch like a forgotten cocoon, rather you carry it with you every day. The lessons you learned as a boy are just as
important as the ones you learned that made you in to a man. They shouldn’t be forgotten or tossed by the
side of the road, and your boyhood can’t be covered up with this or that
purchase.
The
media would have us toss aside the boy within each of us along with all the neuroses
and the crippling self-doubt that came with our teenage years. We are encouraged to shed our fear and lose
our insecurity and step in to the life of the supremely confident and
successful man. But if we do that, we throw away the essentials that led us to
become the men we are. You can’t wipe
the slate clean at the brink of manhood and expect to be happy, no matter what
the media tells you.
A man is strong emotionally, mentally, and most importantly,
physically. < A man is only as strong as he allows
himself to be.
A man can fix everything, all on his own. < A man knows when to ask for help.
A man takes what he wants, by any means necessary. < A man knows his limits, but can strive to expand them.
A man is the only thing keeping Society strong. < A man is an integral part, but just one of many in Society.
A man is constantly confident. < A man is constantly pursuing self-awareness.
A man doesn’t make mistakes. < A man owns his
mistakes and does whatever it takes to get them fixed.
A man’s success is measured in material things. < A man’s success is measured in happiness and the lives we touch along
the way.
A man leaves his silly boyhood dreams behind him. < A man accepts that the boy he once was will always be a part of him.
A man is fearless. <
A man acknowledges his fears and learns to face them.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m
terrible at meeting some of the standards that I’ve set above, but perhaps that
is what it ultimately means to be a man, and the same goes for being a
woman. Perhaps to be a properly
functioning adult all we really need is to accept our flaws and to constantly
strive to fix the ones that need fixing, and to live with the ones that don’t. After all, perfection is nothing but a mirage. But maybe, as long as we strive and are in
pursuit of our own perfection, we can hope to be perfectly imperfect.
PB. (Post Blog) if this topic is something that you want to read more about, I highly encourage you to explore these other blogs and sites for other view points on the topic. I don't personally condone every single view on either site, but the vast majority of them are refreshing and enlightening, and certainly entertaining.
The Art of Manliness: http://www.artofmanliness.com/
The Good Men Project: http://goodmenproject.com/
Enjoy!
